To the 30 year old me.

Today is my 23^rd birthday and I am writing you a letter. Perhaps you are wondering why. Here’s an uncomplicated, trouble-free answer for that: I don’t want to turn 30 and ask myself, “Why haven’t I?” I’ve decided not to add this to the pile of regrets I’ll probably have in my 30’s. Besides, I’ve been meaning to write you a letter for a long time but you know how busy I am with irrelevant, futile things at the moment.

Before typing down my initial sentences, I asked myself: what would be the first thing I would like to ask my 30 year old self? For some reason, this query reminds me of the pageants you / we oh-so promised never to join but ended up on stage anyway. Yeah, we’re foolish like that. There are plenty of things I would want to know about particularly matters a propos to career and personal life, but ultimately, I want to ask you: “How have you been holding up?” I’ve been told that the 30s is a crucial stage of balancing out life. You have to know when to party and when to take things seriously. When I was in high school, I thought life in 20s will be sweet, thrilling, and seamless. But it turns out not all candies have a surprise center, and you wish you could warn yourself to stop sucking because there is nothing in there to swallow. How I wish being 20 comes with a survival kit.

You are probably dubious as to what this letter is all about. For now I can only tell you what it is not. It is not a survival kit for your 30s. The rest is for you to figure out as you read along the lines. This will probably be the longest letter you will ever read in your life.

I assume that at this moment, you have already met the man you plan on sharing your lifetime with. Thank heavens! Is he everything you've always dreamed of? Growing up, the guys you want to write love stories with are often fictional, which explains your lack of dating experience. You are one tough shell to crack and you have these impossibly high standards that real life guys might not actually have. But you believe otherwise, don’t you? You think that if a fucked-up girl like Tiffany was able to find Pat Peoples, you are going to have the same fate. You held hold on to Jane Green’s words. That there’s a lid for every cup, no matter how bent, misshapen, or ugly. If remembering the words of your favorite authors have helped you find the love of your life right now, then I’ve probably done something right in my 20s.

But if you ever find yourself still single, fret not.  You are probably worried that you might never find someone who can meet your Augustus Waters standards - someone who’s willing to sacrifice his last wish with “The Genies” to fulfill an insane dream of meeting your all-time favorite author. Well you have to remember that Maricar Reyes was in the same dilemma as you, but she got married anyways. On her wedding interview she said, “You can set your standards high and trust that God will give you that standard.” You see, just have faith and remember that it’s better to be single than be in a wrong relationship. For the meantime, enjoy your fascinating quest in finding your better half.

Have you been keeping in shape lately? When was the last time those running shoes have been worn? If you don’t know the answer to that question, get your ass off that chair and run away. Have you forgotten how freeing it feels to run outside with JT’s voice blasting on your earphones? It was your favorite therapy. I hope you can contrast how heavy you felt before you started running and how weightless you are afterwards.

Also, please don’t do things half-heartedly. I can forgive myself for being fearful in my 20’s, but I cannot do the same for you. Remember the quote that you would often repost in Tumblr? “Twenty years from now you’ll be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did.” So get that bob cut you’ve been wanting to try, or color your hair ombre! Love someone like a madman loves his opium. Cry miserably when you’re hurt. Run and only stop when you’re fully exhausted. Express yourself in the boldest manner – let go of your safe words. Curse if you must! Do me a favor right now and listen to Sarah Bareilles’ Brave words.  

How’s mom, by the way? I know we don’t always get along right now; every day is a love-hate relationship. I remember Rhiannon’s image about her mom, “how no one can make you angrier, but how you can’t really love anyone more.” It’s the perfect description! I hope you spend more time with her than I did. Remember how you would opt to wake up at 9:00AM just to make sure that she already left for work so you won’t have to hear her incessant wailing in the morning? Stop that. You don’t want to wake up one day and find that she’s completely gone. 

As for dad, you are in-charge of his health. I expect his stubbornness to worsen as he ages so please be patient. He may be far from Ned Stark, but he loved us the best way he knew how. Give him the greatest gift a father could ever receive from his daughter by asking him to walk you down the aisle.

Career-wise, I don’t have much to say in this facet. I am already struggling with which path to pursue at the moment. Each turn seems to lead to a cul-de-sac, and I fear I may never find the way back. I wish that it’s you who’s writing me a letter right now, telling me to let go of the woes because everything I dreamed of doing transpired in finality. But since it’s the other way around, let me just say I hope you are genuinely happy with your career choice. And if you find you are not, don’t be afraid to start all over again. Remember your journey with Santiago where you learned, “When you want something the entire universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” Try showing the world how much you want a career-change and it might just be freely handed to you. Go seek your great perhaps just as what Alaska did. 

Viel glück my future self! Enjoy the ride.

Sincerely yours,

23.