Letter Number 5: To the almost lover.

December 10, 2010

There were days when I have almost forgotten you. Each day is an attempt to convince myself that you are gone, and every night is a promise that tomorrow I move on. But it would always be like this, isn't it? That I come so close to forgetting about you or at least telling myself I have, when you pop up again.

I remember one dreadful night when I saw you smiling over a text message. That's when I knew. That's when I knew the rumors were all true. That you have found someone else to replace me with. It's really hurtful, you know, when the person you'd take a bullet for is the one behind the trigger.

How did it all happen anyway? How did you evolve from being a gentleman to becoming a complete asshole? And please, tell me how our almost perfect love story went wrong because all I could remember were the arguments, but I couldn't really recall the reasons behind it anymore. But I guess digging up the past will only open up long forgotten wounds and right now, I don't know if I can bear another dose of pain.

The memories still haunt me, you know? The petty fights. The sincere apologies. The big dreams. Yes, the plans we had for each other that you had taken with you when you walked away. Now I am left with nothing. But for that, thank you, because only then that I had the courage to build dreams on my own.

Looking back I realized that perhaps I had pushed you too far. But haven't you figured it all out? That when I push you away, you should know I am getting attached. But I could only wished you held on tighter. And when I told you I was thinking of breaking up that was an invitation to fight for me. Not give up. Not tell me you don't love me anymore. Not break my heart. No, definitely not that.  Perhaps I deserve someone who can love me not only on my good days, but my bad days also.

And so here I am, still haunted by all the memories. I guess the time we spent apart made me realize that a part of me will always love you. You were my first love, anyway - and you have become my sweetest downfall. But don't worry, in time I'll find someone to love, and maybe then I'll forget about you.

Sincerely yours,

Hamaswee.